The presents under rugby's trees

A merry Christmas to all our readers! We wish you a fabulous day among the piles of discarded wrapping paper and mugs of mulled wine…

A merry Christmas to all our readers! We are sure you are all having a fabulous day among the piles of discarded wrapping paper and mugs of mulled wine.

Among the rugby world too, the luminaries of our game are enjoying festive cheer and good times with their families, even if the Northern Hemisphere schedule permits perhaps a little less turkey than might otherwise be desirable…

So in a spirit of goodwill, let's take a light-hearted look at what might be under a few Christmas trees around the rugby world this year! Merry Christmas!

Bakkies Botha – The big South African lock received a XXXXL T-shirt with 'I'm a nice guy really' in big pink letters on the front, and on the back, a full-length colour portrait of himself adorned with a litter of adoring beagle puppies.

Peter de Villiers – The South African coach was surprised by the postman arriving with an enormous Christmas card, Inside, the wording was simply 'Thanks', and it was signed 'South Africa's Rugby Public'.

Martin Johnson – England's beleaguered coach was presented with an enormous box out of which, when torn open by Johnno in the manner of old, ran forth with surprising speed and dexterity a set of big muscular backs.

Warren Gatland – Also only a Christmas card for 'Gats', but tucked inside this one was a voucher for a free day at Dr. Howard Mierzwaik's laboratory (That's the guy in the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind who erases selected memories by the way), with a suggestion that November 28, 2009 might be a good memory to start with. The card was simply signed 'Matt', but a call to the laboratory in question, while not revealing Matt's surname, did reveal that 'Matt' had had November 21 of the same year erased. Also, a character called 'Ronan' had gone there to get June 27 erased, but doctors discovered that due to concussion, the specific moments Ronan had asked for were already missing…

Morne Steyn – A DVD of the Barbarians v All Blacks 1973 match, with a scratch in it around about the two minute mark of the match which means that try just plays over and over and over… Again, the card was not entirely anonymous, signed as it was by the 'South Africans For Running Inside Centres' Association' (That's SAFRICA for short)

Morne Steyn – A DVD of the Lions tour of 2009, with a scratch in it around the 81-minute mark of the second Test, meaning that kick is played over and over and over… The card was signed 'Naas'.

Andy Robinson – A superhero suit, all in dark blue, sponsored by Murray and with the cape adorned by a thistle and the Famous Grouse. A vast crowd turned up to watch the presentation.

Luke Fitzgerald and Stephen Ferris both got Christmas cards: Fitzgerald's was blank except for the word 'jammer!' in big letters, while Ferris' was written in perfect copper-plate, featured a can-can girl in a Christmas 'suit' and said simply 'pardon, monsieur'. On the other side of the world, Isaac Ross got one similar to Ferris', with the word 'scusa!'

Robbie Deans – He also only got a card. It was completely black except for the numbers 2012. Sounds ominous to some, but Deans was spotted grinning broadly when he opened it…

Marc Li̬vremont РHis was a big parcel, with ten different outfits of supreme elegance and a note of instruction from the FFR telling him to select the most sartorial matchday dress possible.

Steve Borthwick – A piece of indestructible non-slip sticking plaster for his nose.

Ian McGeechan – A Knighthood. Really. Nobody deserved it more.

Dick Muir – A Kiwi prop for the Lions next year. Watch this space…

Dean Richards – A compendium of short stories detailing various rugby anecdotes such as Andy Haden's dive in the line-out in 1978, or Neil Back's 'hand in the scrum' incident in the Heineken Cup Final in 2002. The inside of the cover was signed from the RFU with a note saying 'we know it isn't only you'.

Richard Hill – a new knee, donated by the Saracens and England Lifetime Members Association (His wife was a little perturbed by SELMA's generosity there for a minute…)

Jerker Grader (for those of you not in the know, this is the Finnish rugby coach) – That little extra yard of something-or-other that would propel Finland to a victory in the European Division 3C and off the bottom of the IRB rankings for the first time in a couple of years. Time for a change…

And to the rest of the rugby world:

We hope you enjoy your gifts and time with your family and loved ones as much as we are – that's always the best gift of all. All the best for the Christmas season and the best of health for the new year! Cheers from Planet Rugby!