News from the Far Side
Violence, intrigue, thrills, sex, sex and more sex. Since the announcement of the partnership between famed romance novel publishers Mills and Boon and the English Rugby Union, speculation has been rife as to the contents of the upcoming books. NFS investigations have uncovered some of the nitty-gritty.
Violence, intrigue, thrills, sex, sex and more sex. Since the announcement of the partnership between famed romance novel publishers Mills and Boon and the English Rugby Union, speculation has been rife as to the contents of the upcoming books. NFS investigations have uncovered some of the nitty-gritty.
Millions of women across the globe have been entranced by romance novels and now sensitive men from around the world are set to join in the fun with the release of a series of books with rugby as the central theme.
The first epic – The Prince's Waitress Wife – will go on sale on February 1 in time for the Six Nations and thereafter one book will be published each month until September. The opening scene of the first book, in which the conception of the royal love-child is described in detail, takes place in a hospitality suite at Twickenham. The Prince is called Joel and the waitress, Suzy.
Never far from the centre of the action, the central action and the action in the centre, the NFS team of crack investigators have been investigating cracks and have found a hole or two full of juicy material.
Our detectives have discovered that the rest of the range of books are all based on real happenings in the world of rugby, although they stick to the traditional categories for romance novels:
In the 'Modern travel' category: Axis of Pleasure: Adventures Down Under. A sophisticated, passionate romance. An intense exploration of the shared feelings, desires and dreams within a scrum-half/fly-half couple. Greg and Steve's relationship is on the rocks when Greg leaves Australia for France. Hurt, depressed and feeling betrayed Steve heads for Japan but takes his cuddly Wallaby toy with him as a souvenir. Their mentor, Ed, heads for England were he rekindles his relationship with his foreign 'friend' – Jack.
In the 'Medical' category: The Fly-Half and the Naughty Nurses. A contemporary romance set against the background of the medical profession. Set in a Northern industrial town, John, the darling of England's fans and press, is an immensely talented fly-half but prone to injury. During a long enforced lay-off John grows his hair, discovers Buddhism and dabbles in quantum physics and sows his seed amongst the nurses treating him. While John continues his inner journey to enlightenment, his team – the Eagles – plunge to the bottom of the championship standings as their young stars, Jody and Mat, leave for greener pastures.
In the 'Blaze' category: London Lust: Ups and Unders. Very sexual. Featuring couples in contemporary romantic relationships as they embark on sexual adventures and fantasy journeys. Daniel – an Englishman with Italian blood – is young, gorgeous and the rising star in local rugby, but his panache for the limelight and transsexual partners complicates his career. Meanwhile, Joshua, raging with jealousy as his team-mate overlooks his advances, breaks down in training and punches Daniel. Their team, the 'Hornets', find themselves on a downward spiral until a freakishly cold winter sees one of their games cancelled, giving them time to 'settle down' with some of their groupies – behind closed doors.
In the 'Historical' category: Tackle Me High, Tackle Me Low. Romance set in at Rugby High school in the mid 1800s. The hero, Bill, is surrounded by nancy-boys who spend their days kicking a round ball. He dreams of playing a manly game where he can use his hands and change room chat revolves around camaraderie and not discussions about hair care-products and exhorbitant salaries.
In the 'Special Edition' category: It Feels Good to Score. A compelling romance packed with emotion, tackling sensitive issues while embracing the romantic ideal that love for rugby can conquer all. A Northern Hemisphere team struggles to come to grips with their conflicting emotions after experiencing success under the ELVs. Their stadium is full and they lead the championship, but is it right to profit from something so wrong?
In the 'Superromance' category: Turn Me On – With the Remote Control A realistic, passionate, contemporary novel about a team struggling in the Super 14. Unable to compete with more skilled teams from abroad, their only hope is for rugby politicians to dilute the competition by adding more and more teams, making their own mediocrity less startling. Curvy television executives seduce administrators with viewership figures and brightly coloured lingerie.
NFS sources also report that publishers further afield have cottoned on the concept of joining rugby with literature and a remake of the Stephen King classic “Carrie” is currently in under development. The story centres on a loose forward, Lucas, whose every action is controlled by his father. An outcast even amongst his team-teams, Lucas eventually snaps, vomits on his jersey and burns down his team's changing rooms – with his former 'mates' inside.
In France, publishers are ready to take the next step. Comic book mogul and club owner Mourad Boudjellal is ready to launch a series of comic books where rugby is played by superheroes.
No one can compete in a scrum against the Incredible Hulk and Flash Gordon is unstoppable on the wing – the possibilities are endless.
“Mais, où cherchez vous ces conneries? Personne en France ce genre de livre. En plus tout le monde sait que tous ces 'Superhero' sont dopés, on n'aime pas ça,” (Of course the books will sell well. But you'd think that at the salaries they earn, our players would perform like Superheroes) said Toulon's chief librarian, Jean-Phillipe Loadsadrivel.
Have you read a ggod book lately? Send us the title!
By Badger Hastie.