News from the Far Side

With innovation the name of the game in modern sport, England's crisis-struck rugby team have imported an eco-friendly idea from across the channel that just might save them from their defensive woes.

With innovation the name of the game in modern sport, England's crisis-struck rugby team have imported an eco-friendly idea from across the channel that just might save them from their defensive woes.

After conceding 70 points in two matches. England can't afford to concede any more points.

Martin Johnson has been looking left and right for a solution and sources close to the England camp have revealed that salvation has arrived. And it's cheap and recyclable too.

When France's coaching assistants launched a strike to protest their working conditions, they were unaware that their ideas would be exported to the British Isles. Last week Les Bleus Head Coach Marc Lièvremont held a press conference not flanked by his assistants but rather by cardboard cut-outs of Didier Ritiere and Emile N'Tamack.

With le chef happy to hog the limelight himself and even happier when the attending journalists were fooled into diverting their most difficult questions to the 'replica' coaches, those in the know knew a revolution was on hand.

Never one to miss an opportunity, Johnno has ordered a truckload of cardboard cut-outs to bolster his operation.

“There are many advantages to using cardboard players,” said England's Logistics, Carbon-footprint and Resource Management Manager Charlie Chariotsonfire.

“First off all they don't get injured, but we've ordered Jonny Wilkinson cut-outs in triplicate anyway, just in case.

“Second, we'll save on transport costs. Instead of using a big gas-guzzling bus and move the guys around – which is really expensive and not eco-friendly at all – we can just stack 'em up and chuck 'em in the back of a van.

“Some people have questioned the effect using 'replica players' will have on our defence. But this has been the priority of our research. In fact we've found the weight difference between the real Danny Cipriani and the cardboard version is negligible and the 'replica' actually scored higher on the 'tackle-o-metre' test.

“We've also found we can get more players out wide faster using our new 'technology.' The IRB regulations state that you can only have fifteen players on the park at a time – which, by all accounts of our last two games, just isn't enough for us if we want to be competitive. But there's no rule that pertains to 'replica' players.

“We reckon if we strap a cutout to every back-line player's hip, our defensive curtain will at least look impenetrable. It doesn't matter that the 'replicas' can't catch – hardly any of our passes are going to hand anyway, so it shouldn't change much.”

“We've started to use the cut-outs in attack training too, with a specific eye on next year's Six Nations. We got some millimetre perfect replicas of the opposing team's top players.

“Our only problem so far is we can't get our cardboard David Skrela to stand up straight – he's completely lop-sided, one leg is way longer than the other, it's surprising it doesn't have an effect of his kicking technique. His left eye is also pretty weird. I didn't know he was squint.”

England are not alone in experimenting with the new substitute personnel, as the idea seems to be catching on like wildfire around the world.

In South Africa, the Springboks media team are ready to trial a polystyrene version of coach Peter de Villiers at press conferences.

Deep under-cover NFS investigators have intercepted a memo regarding the new PDV-B prototype.

“We've had promising results from tests where a pre-recorded statement is played from behind the replica-coach,” read the top-secret communiqué.

“The journalists were easily distracted by free snacks and drinks. They never really understood what the original coach was saying anyway, so they were not suspicious.”

Administrators at the RFU and ARU are also keen to experiment with 'cardboard fans,' who would not only behave in stadiums, but boost all-important television viewership figures.

“Whatever is good for the market, is good for rugby,” said ARU Supporter's Pleasure Argumentation Manager Neil O'Nathan.

Surprisingly enough, the innovation has had the least amount of success where the idea originated – France.

“Non mais, vous croyez que vous êtes qui là? Les jouers en carton, c'est pire que le dopage. Ca n'existe pas en France” (No, we will not accept this, from now on will insist that all visiting players undergo anti-cardboard medical examinations) a French Players Union spokesman Jean Claude Skrelaestnul told local weekly Les Conneries de Lundi.

By Ross McBadger