News from the Far Side
Deep under-cover sources Down Under have revealed that Wallaby centre Timana Tahu has been placed on “suicide watch” after his latest hamstring tear left him strung out.
Deep under-cover sources Down Under have revealed that Wallaby centre Timana Tahu has been placed on “suicide watch” after his latest hamstring tear left him strung out.
Concerned friends and family members were first alerted to Tahu's melancholic state when he told reporters that he wanted to hang himself after a disappointing performance against the Springboks in Johannesburg last August.
But when the Rugby League convert tore a hamstring muscle for the umpteenth time in his career during Australia's 30-20 Test win over Italy the alarm was truly raised.
The injury-prone star couldn't disguise his anguish after hearing the news that he would be heading home to Sydney rather than traveling Europe with his team-mates.
“I feel like going to slit my wrists at the moment,” said Tahu in Padova, a picturesque Italian city that usually brings joy to the hearts of it's many summer-time visitors.
Never more than a hop, a skip or a jump away from unearthing the truth behind rugby's rumours, the NFS team of crack investigators immediately started investigating every crack in Tahu's psyche (and on the pavement outside his house.)
An inspection of the new Wallaby's garbage revealed a number of suspicions items including a receipt for sky-diving and bungy jump courses, a shopping list with 'a length of rope' as it's top item, an empty box of 'aroma therapy candles', a worn-out Rugby World Cup 2003 DVD and an ABBA fan club membership card. Clearly the debris of a man with emotional issues.
Most revealing, were the contents of what appears to be a half-burnt-up notebook, possibly Tahu's personal diary before it was torched, no doubt in a fit of mad turmoil.
Exclusive to NFS, here are a few extracts from that shocking find:
August 25
Robbie says I'm starting on Saturday. I just love South Africa. I just love Robbie (in a cool rugby way), I just love that Golden jersey. I'm on top of the world.
August 26
Stirling ate my scone at breakfast. I told him I was keeping it for later, but he replied “listen rookie, I'm the boss of this operation – don't you forget it.”
I hate myself. I want to crawl into a hole and cover it up.
………
August 28
Happy days are here again. Matt said I could sit next to him on the bus and George let me carry his bag. So cool! Stirling made me carry his too, but I don't mind. What great friends. The flowers in the hotel gardens smell great.
………
August 31
We lost. I was terrible. Stirling won't even talk to me. I want to die. I hate South Africa. I hate flowers. I hate riding on the bus.
……..
September 16
Robbie says I'm going to Hong Kong. Hooray! I can't wait. He doesn't hate me after all. I feeling like running and running and running till I can't run anymore. I feel like singing too.
………….
November 4
Some fool-agent has made a mix-up and gave my mobile phone number out thinking it was Richie McCaw's. Bloody thing won't stop ringing. All day, all I hear is, “Hi Richie, Jim from Northamton here,” or “yello zis iz Mourad from Toulon” or “g'day, Ewen in Paris here”…..on and on and on.
I tried to phone Richie myself to see if he could do anything. All I got was his message service: “Hi, you've reached Rich Mc-the-business-Caw. If you're trying to get me to sign a contract, then naff off. If it's Dan, listen mate, I've got enough underwear, ok? Otherwise leave ya name and I'll ya call right back.”
I left a message. He didn't call. No one loves me.
………….
Sunday, November 9.
We beat Italy, but I tore my hamstring again. Why carry on? I am going to drown myself in the bathroom. Goodbye cruel world.
Monday, November 10
Plan didn't work. These bloody Italian baths to too small, I kept on banging my head against the tap. Good thing it didn't though, the pastries in this place are fan…..tastic.
Sterling didn't even give me any grief. He seems preoccupied, something about death threats from the Mafia 'cause he stopped Parisse from tackling Quade.
……………
Saturday, November 15, 4am.
Couldn't sleep. These pills aren't working. My heart nearly jumped out of my chest when I turned on the telly, only to see Wallabies playing against Canada instead of England, and a day too early! No one tells me anything, I thought.
Turned out it was just Wales' new away strip. It me a while to work out who was who though – scores were too close and couldn't tell who the amateurs were supposed to be.
Wish I could be wearing yellow.
Please help! Send Timana a reason for living!
By the Scarlet Badger