News from the Far Side

With rugby fans on the Northern Isles on the edges of their seats ahead of the announcement of Ian McGeechan's British and Irish Lions sqaud, News from the Far Side has unearthed explosive, exclusive information pertaining to a number of shock selections.

With rugby fans on the Northern Isles on the edges of their seats ahead of the announcement of Ian McGeechan's British and Irish Lions sqaud, News from the Far Side has unearthed explosive, exclusive information pertaining to a number of shock selections.

With speculation rampant as to who will make the final cut for the four-yearly tour to the Southern Hemisphere, a number of news agencies have tried to get the inside scoop on “Geech's” plans, hidden in his study in Wycombe. All have failed – until now.

Never afraid to take the law into their own hands, never far from the nearest breaking-news-spill, always one step ahead of the investigative game, the NFS team of crack investigators penetrated Geech's secret spot through the back door.

Using the highly-intricate Shoot-'n-Scoop technique (involving a pellet gun, a long range sniper's scope, a shot to the television antenna from the neighbour's garden and a cunningly disguised team of 'repairmen') our operatives were able to infiltrate Geech's lair and uncover a number to clues to the coach's selection plans.

It's little-known fact that McGeechan is a die-hard Super 14 fan, and it is here that NFS found a chink in the Scot's armor. While the Stormers were getting the life 'Caned out of them in Wellington in the early hours of Saturday morning, Geech – glued to the telly and tucking into his favourite breakfast of Fruit Loops and mango juice – was shocked when lo and behold the transmission was lost (see pellet to the AV-conductor switch) right at the moment when Ma'a Nonu was flattening some hapless Capetonian.

Never one to panic, Geech was on the blower quick as a flash to get a repairman in. Cue the NFS scoop-mobile to arrive on the scene with a team of 'antenna technicians'. While McGeechan was distracted with a cup of tea and the prospect of reveling in some quality running rugby (see the Reds v the Lions in a seven-try humdinger) secret agents spread themselves across the premises in a hunt for clues and struck gold with a file 'hidden' below the master bedroom mattress.

Nothing is certain, but the file in question, labelled “Geech's secret Lions plans – Hands off!,” is believed to possibly contain valuable insight to the coach's selection criteria.

Inside the files were a number of 'player dossiers' some of which we were able to photograph and reveal to you now:

Name: Riki Flutey
Position: Centre (Captain?)
Details: Kiwi who has singed for French club. Played a couple of games for England.
Eligible because: Lived in England for three years.
Pros: Has better hair than Gavin Henson.
Cons: Could embarrass team if tries to do haka before first Test

Name: Mike Catt
Position: Centre
Details: Saffer who played for England. Does some coaching on the side.
Eligible because: Engish-fide.
Pros: Is old, so probably won't get into trouble in the hotels. Knows Port Elizabeth like the back of his hand.
Cons: Anyone who knows PE that well must be dodgy

Name: 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin
Position: Somewhere in the forwards
Details: Massive American pro-wrestler. Excellent motivational speaker.
Eligible because: Spent a few weeks on holiday in Brighton once, so should be eligible for England
Pros: Has perfected close-line technique. Possibly the only human alive capable of stopping Pierre Spies at full pace.
Cons: Yellow card candidate

Name: Danny Cipraini
Position: Fly-half
Details: Plays for Wasps
Eligible because: Plays for Wasps
Pros: Plays for Wasps
Cons: Distracting girlfriend

Name: Julien Dupuy
Position: Scrum-half
Details: Frenchie. Scored winner for Tigers v Bath in HEC
Eligible because: Speaks English so should be eligible for England
Pros: Closest thing to a Scotsman we're going to get
Cons: Fussy about what the team chef cooks – not good for team morale.

Name: Brad Barritt
Position: Centre
Details: Saffer import at Sarries.
Eligible because: Granny is English. Qualifies for England
Pros: More at home in Durban than Watford
Cons: Could be a spy

Name: Sereni Kanvorlagacaucau
Position: Wing
Details: 122 kg, 6ft 7' Fijian. Enjoys a game of Sevens
Eligible because: In English army for three years
Pros: Runs 100m in under 11 sec
Cons: Can't tackle below shoulders

Name: Rubeni Taluivakisau
Position: Wing
Details: 119 kg, 6ft 8 Samoan. Enjoys a game of Sevens
Eligible because: In English Army for three years
Pros: Even faster than Kanvorlagacaucau
Cons: Couldn't kick a ball out of a back yard

Name: Jonny Wilkinson
Position: Fly-half
Details: Injured Newcastle Falcon.
Eligible because: Greatest fly-half Britain and Ireland has ever seen
Pros: Is better with one leg than most others on two
Cons: Has only one leg that works

Are you aware of any other Lions from the Far Side?

By the Scarlet Badger