News from the Far Side
A News from the Far Side investigation has confirmed the existence of a world-wide conspiracy to ruin the Springboks.
A undercover investigation by News from the Far Side operatives has confirmed what South African fans have suspected all along: The existence of a world-wide conspiracy to ruin the Springboks.
Where there is smoke, there usually is fire, and with more and more smoke showing up in the comments of South African fans, NFS went in search of flames at the IRB headquarters in Dublin.
Never afraid to brave the murkiest of back-allies, never afraid to face the wettest of climates, always ready to sacrifice their livers to bring you the truth hidden behind the barley and hops, the NFS team set up camp in the Irish capital to get to the bottom of a pint, er, the scandal.
From their undercover hide-out at McDougal's Pub, conveniently situated across the road from the IRB offices, our operative were able to observe the comings and goings of the 'independent disciplinary committee' set up to investigate the “Justice for Bakkies” protest.
Our evidence shows that the committee was nothing more than a ruse to destabilise the Boks before the Tri-Nations. On three different occasions, all three members of the committee were photographed wearing black socks – irrefutable evidence of their hidden support for the All Blacks.
Our intensive research can also confirm that the Guinness in Dublin tastes much much much much better than anywhere else in the world.
The conspiracy is not just limited to politics off the field; South Africa coach Peter de Villiers has claimed that his side is being targeted by referees because of their world champion status.
“We can't go public about certain things because we don't have all the evidence, but the body language of certain officials when things went against us in that game made us worry,” said De Villiers.
NFS immediately followed up on P-Divvy's insightful observations and called on the services of Finnish body language expert, Dr. Thisisto Talbee-Es, who studied the video of the Springboks' loss in Brisbane and made some very interesting observations on the 'non-verbal communication' coming from referee Wayne Barnes.
Most worrying is Barnes' apparent inclination to communicate with Wallaby poster boy Matt Giteau, while shunning Boks fly-half Morné Steyn:
Minute 1, Kick-off: Barnes stands close to Giteau's, with his body weight on his right leg.
“Zis is vary vary pek-uliar,” says Dr. Talbee-Es.
“Zose shortz are vary short, no? Hiz veight iz on hiz right, know alzo as ze “zneaky side.” You zee how he fiddlz wiz hiz vhistle? Vary intereztink.”
Minute 36: Barnes checks with his fourth official that blood was the reason Bryan Habana left the field.
“Do you notiz ze tvinkle in da eye of dat fourtz official? He likez to zee blood,” said Dr. Talbee-Es.
Minute 39 : Barnes blows his whistle with left hand to disallow Brussow try.
“Ziz iz klear. Ze vhistle in ze right hand iz a sign he iz uzink hiz left brain – ze creative side, not ze logikal side” explained the good Doctor.
Minute 81: Barnes is seen skipping towards the changing rooms after Springboks' defeat.
“Nozing wrong here. Zkipping is quite normal for men in zer later 30s,.”
Post match function: Barnes stands at bar with back turned to Steyn, head tilting to the right while chatting to Robbie Deans.
“Ze tiliting head iz anozer sign of complizity. Ziz iz vary vary clear. Und, zis cold shoulder treatment iz just like my mozer-in-law in Helzinki, dizpikable” said Dr. Talbee-Es.
Our investigations indicate that the conspiracy has extended beyond match officials and even includes members of Australian public.
Secret cameras hidden in the Springboks' changing rooms have revealed that Bryan Habana's apparent 'hamstring injury' at half-time at Suncorp Stadium was actually a case of explosive diarrhoea after he ate some dodgy lamb chops at a Suzie's BBQ and Sushi Emporium in downtown Brisbane.
NFS can confirm that a number of employees at Suzie's were wearing yellow on the day on the incident and were all huddled for a team meeting around the Boks' meal grill – clear evidence that they are Wallaby fans with a vested interest in wiping out the South African threat.
In retrospect, Habana should have been more cautious considering the “No Jaapies” sign hanging at the entrance.
Do you have evidence of the anti-bok conspiracy? Let the NFS team know!
By the Scarlet Badger