Loose Pass

This week we will be mostly concerning ourselves with lessons from the past…

Welcome to Loose Pass – our weekly assortment of musings, mutterings, tickled fancies and disjointed thoughts. This week we will be mostly concerning ourselves with lessons from the past…

Get ready for pronouncements that will affect your very wellbeing, your very enjoyment of life.

It will have a bearing on your immediate future, mapping out how much you shall drink and spend and complain and moan.

No, it's not Alistair Darling's budget. We're all on tenterhooks for the dictates that will soon spew forth from the mouth of that other silvery-haired English-born Scottish geezer, British & Irish Lions supremo Ian McGeechan.

The real proof of the pudding is not in the eating but in its ingredients, and Tuesday's squad and captaincy announcements should give us a good indication if the famed touring team will do themselves justice in South Africa.

Hindsight is, of course, a beautiful thing, but looking back at 2005 and it's a mystery how we didn't see that humiliating blackwash on the horizon.

Sir Clive Woodward named an initial squad of 44 players. In essence it was an England tour that featuring a Celtic support act.

Of the 44 originals, 20 were English. Ireland contributed 11 players, Wales were represented by ten and Scotland just three.

Woody also put three injured players on standby: Phil Vickery and Mike Tindall failed to recover in time but Jonny Wilkinson did, bringing the English contingent up to 21.

Judging by the rash of autopsical tomes that sprang forth in the aftermath of the tour, the heavy national bias affected cohesion and the all-for-one-one-for-all inclusivity that is so essential to the success of a Lions tour.

Of course, Lions selections will always mirror national success and the English – World Cup holders that they were – were always going to loom large in New Zealand.

McGeechan's role as 'Great Unifier' has been made easier by the recent rise of the Celts, and the national ratios of the chosen few will be of primary interest on Tuesday.

So will the ratios reflect the current Home Nations status quo?

The stars of Munster and Leinster will figure prominently, as will those of the Blues and Ospreys, but given the recent influx of foreign players to British and Irish rugby, we don't expect any club/region/province to top the record of eight tourists held jointly by Newport in 1910 and Leicester Tigers in – yes, you've guessed it – 2005.

Mind you, given the links between the Lions' coaching triumvirate and London Wasps, there might be quite a buzz around Adams Park come Tuesday…

Over to you: which club/region/province will provide the most tourists?

We'll publish the names of the Nostradamuses among you following the announcement.

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Another mistake from 2005 that we should have seen coming from the start was the 26-strong support staff that Woody chose to take along for the ride – a number that included a Queen's Counsel and no less a figure than Alastair 'dodgy dossiers' Campbell.

Interestingly, Campbell's rightful heir, Damian McBride, has found himself at a loose end and in need of gainful employment just as another Lions tour looms into view.

No, Geech, please. In the name of all that is good and true, don't even think about it…

In the interests of making sure that we never have to see such a thing again, let us marvel once more at that staff list in all its grizzly glory:

Sir Clive Woodward (head coach), Bill Beaumont (tour manager), Eddie O'Sullivan (assistant coach), Ian McGeechan (assistant coach), Gareth Jenkins (assistant Coach), Andy Robinson (assistant coach), Louise Ramsay MBE (team manager), Phil Larder (defensive coach), Mike Ford (defensive coach), Dave Alred (kicking coach), Dave Reddin (fitness coach), Craig White (fitness coach), David McHugh (refereeing advisor), Tony Biscombe (video analyst), Gavin Scott (video analyst), Dr James Robson (head doctor), Dr Gary O'Driscoll (doctor), Phil Pask (physiotherapist), Stuart Barton (physio/masseur), Bob Stewart (physio/masseur), Richard Wegrzyk (masseur), John Feehan (chief Executive), Richard Smith QC (legal support), Louisa Cheetham (media officer), Alastair Campbell (press relations), Dave Campbell (chef), Dave Tennison Kit (technician).

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The national make-up of Lions tour parties can become a point of contention, but the coming together of cultures can also help forge a collective heart. And more often than not, the accompanying banter is priceless!

Rewind to 1974 and we arrive at a Lions scrummaging session on the highveld.

The Test pack has just destroyed the dirt-trackers, leaving England lock Chris Ralston writhing on the ground in agony.

When ask if he was okay, the rather well-spoken patrician gave his diagnosis.

“Ehctually,” he grimaced, “the pain is absolutely excruciating.”

Booby Windsor, Test hooker and Welsh steelworker, remained unmoved.

“It can't be that bad, boyo, if you can think up of a ****ing word like that!”

Incidentally, on Windsor's return from the victorious tour he hopped onto his bike and returned to the smelts.

A local garage owner was aghast at the sight of a newly forged sporting icon cycling down the high street with trouser legs tucked into socks and promptly presented him with a new car.

Windsor enjoyed three days of the high life before returning to his bike. It was that or running the risk of being banned as a professional.

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Last week we waxed banefully about the fact that we shall never see fiery Federico Méndez and short-fused Julian White do battle on the same rugby pitch.

Just hours later and our wish was granted with some sort of Matrix-style upgraded included – just check out this set-to in Romania.

And keep an eye on the ref – something tells us he's seen this all before!

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Congrats to all the readers who correctly answered last week's teaser. The only Lion who toured South Africa in 1997 and who stands a good chance of making the grade once again is Simon Shaw.

Now 35, the England lock played for Bristol at 17, won his first England cap against Italy in 1996 and joined Wasps in the same year that he toured South Africa.

His longevity owes much to his teak-like physique – he stands 6 feet 8 inches tall and tips the scales at almost