Loose Pass

This week we will be mostly concerning ourselves with loopy laws, Jonny Wilkinson and shoe pie…

Welcome to Loose Pass – our weekly assortment of musings, mutterings, tickled fancies and disjointed thoughts. This week we will be mostly concerning ourselves with the ELVs, Jonny Wilkinson and shoe pie…

After spending more than a year confusing loyal fans in some sort of misdirected attempt to attract new ones, rugby has decided to back-pedal on certain issues, stick with others and continue to ponder a few more.

A sport that has always sought to be globally inclusive has achieved its aim in an wholly unexpected way: now everyone will now be confused.

Can you imagine any other sport getting itself into such a muddle?

“Tiger, take your rough shots off a tee. Yeah, like that. Actually, what's the point of that? Let's go back to how it was. But hang on, how about a drop shot instead? Hmmm. We'll get back to you.”

But let bygones be bygones and focus on the future – it finally looks bright.

The return of the rolling maul – or at least the threat of it – should allow for more running rugby and less of the sort of play that has caused consternation amongst migrating birds.

A ruck that runs no risk of morphing into a maul won't draw in defenders. Duly, when the ball comes back, the attacking team will always be outnumbered by defenders.

Faced with a crowded field, even the most daring back will feel compelled to pull out his paddle and challenge his opposite number to a quick game of aerial ping-pong.

Similarly, with fewer defenders committing to rucks for the reasons described above, the risk of attackers going off their feet at the tackle and conceding a “sanction” is often seen as too great, leading teams to opt for the Garryowen over attacking from deep with ball in hand.

All well and good so far, but the first problem that now looms into view is the five-metre offside line behind scrums.

It is one of the more popular ELVs and is set to be enshrined in law, but hitching a well-built rolling maul on the back of the massive momentum garnered by a number eight pick-up in the channel of the fly-half could prove almost impossible to defend against.

Alas, that's what you get when you ask a committee to design a horse.

But perhaps reports of the death of the ELVs have been greatly exaggerated.

The IRB, cunning foxes that they are, have allowed some room for a little more arm-twisting.

The two days of chin-wagging in London will now be digested over the course of the month before being spewed out over the IRB Rugby Committee's table. More gibbering will then take place before everything is dumped in the lap of IRB Council. Then, some time after that, we'll hear something official.

Or, as the communiqué from the IRB puts it:

“All of those intending [sic] the conference will consider the statistical analysis of the trials conducted around the world to date and evaluate each individual Experimental Law Variation. The key points from the conference will then be considered by the IRB Rugby Committee when they meet on 27 April to formulate recommendations for the IRB Council meeting on 13 May. Council will then decide which ELVs, if any, should be fully integrated into Law.”

And you thought the G20 was this week's most vacuous talking shop!

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Whilst we are on the subject of new laws, could Loose Pass possibly throw another contender into the mix?

How about restricting the number of eligible replacements? The trend of throwing up to seven fresh players into the mix on the hour-mark is ruining the game as a spectacle and as a contest.

Rugby used to be a little like boxing Рwear down your opponent and then deliver your stunning coup de gr̢ce.

Now it's a case of wearing down your opponent and then having to start over against a fresh one.

Imagine if George Foreman's corner had called time-out after the seventh round of the 'Rumble in The Jungle' and sent in his fresh understudy – would the bout still be considered one of sport's greatest occasions?

And what does the current arrangement say about our commitment to rugby's emerging nations? What do you do if you don't boast the strength of depth of the established powers? Well, there's not much you can do; you are on a hiding to nothing.

If the TV execs want broken play and gaps for runners, nothing scatters the field in the last quarter quite like 16 forwards with their lungs hanging out of their backsides.

Crikey. A soapbox has appeared under our feet. Look out, Monsieur Lapasset – Loose Pass wants in!

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There has been plenty of Celtic whinging about the amount of coverage given to the return of Jonny Wilkinson.

Admittedly, it has been pretty excessive … and it seems to centre not on when the luckless pivot will next play but on whether he will make it in time to be selected to tour with the Lions.

By merely playing, the Celts say, the likes of James Hook and Phil Godman should surely be ahead of Wilko in the race for that third fly-half berth for South Africa.

But would you leave him behind – even if he were in dire lack of match practice?

Depressingly, there are only nine active British or Irish players who know what it feels like to beat the Springboks in South Africa.

Wilkinson is not just one of them, he's the man who clocked the Boks at their stronghold of Bloemfontein in 2000, contributing all his side's points in a 27-22 victory, notching up eight penalties and a drop goal.

South Africans don't readily forget defeats on home soil and Wilkinson's mere presence would give the tourists the mental edge they (currently) sorely lack.

Indeed, recent crops of Boks have readily admitted that the mere sight of Wilkinson's left boot was enough to send doubt pulsing down their otherwise nerveless spines.

There are long odds against England's golden child making the trip, and even longer ones on him starting the first Test – 25/1 to be precise, to quote one bookmaker. But would you really bet against it?

For the record, the other English survivors from that win on the high veldt are Mike Tindall, Mike Catt, Ben Cohen, Julian White, Simon Shaw and – surely two for pub quiz bonus-points – David Flatman and Leon Lloyd.

That makes eight – you'll remember we said nine. The odd one out? Gnarly old Tom Smith, Scotland's Lions hero from the tour of South Africa in 1997 who who still graces the turf at Franklin's Gardens…

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Ireland star (or is that 'legend' now?) Paul O'Connell took a break from celebrating the green Grand Slam to share a few memories of his rugby education with the Sunday Times. This one left us much amused…

“One day we [