Loose Pass
This week we will be mostly concerning ourselves with southern comforts and nudity…
Welcome to Loose Pass – our weekly assortment of disjointed thoughts. This week we will be mostly concerning ourselves with southern comforts and nudity…
Let us beat our scrum machines into ploughshares: the epic battle of the hemispheres is finally over! The south wins. Hands down.
Sure, the result comes as no surprise to those lucky enough to dwell south of the equator. The south's big three have been making mincemeat out of European teams since time immemorial.
That New Zealand, South Africa and Australia have five wins from six Rugby World Cups says it all.
But those in the north (and Loose Pass confesses to being in that number) have long held the belief – 'whinged', if you prefer – that the fight was far from fair.
Our domestic season is more gruelling than yours, we'd point out, and it's a far more meaningful scene than the cheap Marvel Comics knock-off that passes for a competitive league down at your end of the earth.
We're therefore forced to send our babes out to battle against your pampered gym-bunnies, we'd whimper. Give us a fair fight and you'd see what's what!
Well, the game is up.
The domestic season ended horribly early for all European nations bar France, leading all (even France) to send strong sides south for the annual end-of-season tours.
It made not one iota of difference. The results from the first weekend – too painful to regurgitate here – speak for them.
But let us not be downbeat, northern brethren! Let's take it on the chin and move on. Heaven knows that the writing has been on the wall for longer than we've been following the game.
Now is the time for the north to wipe the slate clean and rebuild from the bottom up: we must look to the kids.
What has become all too clear is that Europeans can't match the natural skills of their southern counterparts, and that stems directly from the way the game is coached in the youth leagues.
Catch a session of mini rugby anywhere in Tri-Nations territory and you'll be treated to a riot of bare-foot, running rugby. It's all about feeling comfortable on the ball and using your brain to get past your opposite man. The aim of the game is to have fun.
This is all perfectly logical. When learning a language it's advisable to master a gist before you plough headlong into the grammatical innards.
Not so, say the doyens of European rugby. Catch a session of mini rugby anywhere north of Africa and you'll see tiny, bedraggled souls being lectured in the art of scrummaging and line-out. Many will be wearing body armour, for crying out loud.
How many promising youngsters, one wonders, have abandoned the game after such a dim-witted introduction?
Would, for example, Australia's James O'Connor have hung around had his first sight of rugby being from over the top of a tackle bag? Not likely.
The legacy of a grim upbringing is evident across the Home Unions. The sides have shown they can match the southern counterparts on the technical front, but yet stringing together simple passes is beyond them.
Worse still, they don't seem to enjoy their rugby. By way of contrast, see the unadulterated joy on the faces of the Wallabies, All Blacks and Boks when a move comes off and a try is celebrated.
Enjoyment is key, and until Europe's youngsters are allowed to learn to love the game, the hemispheric chasm will remain.
Until then, and in the spirit of ABAB 2011 (Anyone But the All Blacks), can't we just string Australia's backs to England's pack?
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And whilst we're on the subject of education…
Last week we scoffed at New Zealand's attempts to win over soccer fans with a series of billboards that denounced the round-ball game for what is: a game for sissies, watched by sissies.
This week, after being bored to tears by the FIFA World Cup, we can't help think it was a rather good idea.
Imagine what a shot or rugby highlights on the big screen would have done for the crowd at, say, the goalless draw between Portugal and Ivory Coast. It would loomed over the poor blighters like a motorway sign for Damascus.
And it's not too late to save a few lost souls. Ambush marketing seems to be all the rage in South Africa, so send in your ideas.
(Needless to say, those featuring blondes in orange miniskirts will receive preferential treatment.)
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“You get something out of every outing.”
So spake Australia coach Robbie Deans after seeing his second-stringers pipped in the mid-week game against England in Gosford.
Never a truer word spoken, we're sure you'd agree. Expect, that is, if you are Martin Johnson.
The England boss chose not to bring his senior side along for the game, denying them a glimpse of some of the men they will face on Saturday.
And he refused to enter into discussion over the relative merits of his decree.
“They shook hands with the boys as they left and I told them to be in bed by the time we got back,” he growled.
And you know what? We bet they all were!
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It's the game of the weekend. New Zealand v Wales. No holds barred. No quarter given. No clothes worn.
Yes, the Nude Blacks are to take on the Welsh Leeks in Saturday's eagerly-anticipated Nude Rugby International.
Brainchild of former (clothed) All Black Marc Ellis, the event – now in its seventh year – is recognised as the unofficial curtain-raiser to Tests in Dunedin.
The Queen (or possibly a doppelgänger) even turned up to see naked British & Irish Lions fans take on the locals in 2005, only to see her boys robbed by some rather dubious refereeing from a certain Josh Kronfeld (clothed).
But it looks like the Nude Blacks will face a rather, erm, stiffer challenge this weekend.
“In all our years of this fixture we have never seen visitors embracing the concept as passionately as the Welsh,” said organiser Ralph Davies.
“You can be sure they will put a formidable team on the field.”
Passionate embraces? Tune in next week for the match report, and feel free to add your own terrible puns below.
But don't, whatever you do, google 'Nude Blacks' on your work computer. Trust us on this one: it's a very bad idea.
Compiled by Andy Jackson