Good balls and bad kit
This week we will be mostly concerning ourselves with good balls and bad kit…
Welcome to Loose Pass – our weekly assortment of disjointed thoughts. This week we will be mostly concerning ourselves with good balls and bad kit…
Once upon a time crowds would gasp in awe if a kicker opted for a shy at the sticks from inside his own half. These days, fans mark the arrival of the long-distance tee by departing for a quick pee. Chances are that it'll be three points in the bank. Yawn.
What's going on? Why has the remarkable become commonplace? Is it the physical conditioning of the modern-day player? Perhaps, but levers have actually got considerably shorter over time: where we once had Don Clarke and John Eales kicking from long range we now have Ryan Lamb and Francois “rocket launcher” Steyn.
As in golf, it seems the extra mileage is down to technological advances. The advent of the easy 60-metre penalty coincided precisely with the arrival of the new-fangled Torpedo Respect ball, as used in the Tri-Nations, Heineken Cup, Amlin Challenge Cup and Air New Zealand Cup.
The boffins at adidas are best known for their work on soccer balls, transforming them from, well, balls into unpredictable, swooping, sliding, fluttering, moth-like projectiles that work to prevent pesky 'keepers from ruining lovely goals.
The company has now turned that expertise on its head by making rugby balls fly straighter, further, truer – and the stats speak for themselves. According to the official bumf, New Zealand fly-half Dan Carter enjoys an 87% success rate in all Tests with an adidas ball, but only 70% with other balls. This all thanks to three years of research and analysis at the adidas headquarters in Herzogenaurach and, of course, a revolutionary “latex and butyl mix bladder”.
Some commentators are fearing for the death of goal-kicking as an art form. Others are calling for law change that will outlaw shies at goal from outside the defending team's half. We'd like to see the uprights brought a little closer together.
Alternatively, perhaps we should just stop pining for pigskin and accept progress and modernity.
So over to you, humble but all-important fan. Is this really a problem and, if so, how should we fix it? Suggestions at the foot of this page, please.
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And whilst we are moaning about kit, what's up with some of the jerseys on display this season?
Bath are wearing camouflage. What on earth is that all about? And it's not even useful camouflage. It's all black and blue, making it of little use if the team was to deploy to, say, the jungles of Colombia.
Leinster are working the same theme. Their cosmos-inspired streaks would allow them to stand up against the wallpaper of a small boy's bedroom and not be seen. Disturbing.
Cardiff are also keen to blend in – but it would only work if they found themselves amongst a crowd of turquoise tigers. Not likely. And their alternative strip is pink. Yes, Blues wear pink.
The Dragons, for their part, are wearing chocolate. Insert your own joke about flakes here.
Munster, for reasons known only to their marketing department, have chosen to abandon crimson for stock-standard red. The blue is gone, too. Red jersey, red shorts, red socks. They look like Liverpool FC with fat ears.
Biarritz, meanwhile, have obviously had a romp in a flag shop. It's intended to be a respectful nod to their spiritual Basque roots, but it comes across as the sort of desecration of a symbol that would have any self-respecting separatists bawling into their beret.
Northampton have decided to photoshop a monochrome image of their ancient crest onto a yellow quarter of their jersey. It looks as if each player has a shoulder made of cheese. Perpignan duly devoured them. What did they expect?
And it's no wonder Jonny Wilkinson is enjoying his time in France, the Spiderman costume he wears for Toulon allows him to scale walls when cornered by lovelorn English hacks.
And what can we possibly say about Stade FranĆĀ§ais, the pioneers of sporting haute couture?
Well, their ensembles have become so outlandish that they no longer cause consternation. As the Parisians ran out at the Rec with Warhol-inspired portraits of Blanche de Castille emblazoned across their abdomens, fans' eyes where fixed on the locals, and they whispered in unison: “What the hell are Bath wearing?”
So perhaps rugby's perennially untrendy supporters have learnt the first and most important rule of high fashion: the more ridiculous the better.
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Leicester Tigers centre Danny Hipkiss pulled out of his side's European clash with the Ospreys after reporting that he had awoken with “swollen testicles”. Not that his excuse garnered much sympathy from his boss, however. “I really don't know what he's complaining about,” muttered Richard Cockerill.
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It's here! The eagerly anticipated sequel to 'Living with Lions' is out. Check out the trailer and feel the goosebumps rise. C'mon!
As if that wasn't enough, there is the sight of Mr. Lions himself, Ian McGeechan, reduced to floods of tears having given a stirring pre-match talk ahead of the third Test in Johannesburg.
Okay, 'Living with the Pride' lacks the happy ending of the original (have we spoiled it for you?), yet the joy of triumph in Johannesburg is good enough that die-hard fans might feel as though the Lions won the whole thing anyway.
But we are reliably informed that the DVD's bonus features include the missing footage of Jacque Fourie's “try” in the second Test.
Before fists begin to pound keyboards across South Africa, we'll just like to make it very clear that we are only kidding. Honest!
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Actually, at the risk of raising yet more hell, Lions star Phil Vickery has revealed that he had a chance encounter with the man who blew him clean off the park in the first Test against the Boks. No, not the Beast, referee Bryce Lawrence.
South Africa's series-defining 26-21 victory in Durban was based largely on the penalties that poured forth from what looked like a very wonky red scrum.
Not so, said Vickery at the time, and he now claims to have unearthed a star witness to support his claims of roaring injustice.
“I saw him after the third Test and we actually had a really good chat,” said Vickery of Lawrence.
“He told me that he had watched