Buckling scrums and wonky chariots

Yet another scrum goes south...

Welcome to Loose Pass - our weekly assortment of disjointed thoughts. This week we will be mostly concerning ourselves with buckling scrums and wonky chariots...

Ah, the Six Nations! Thank goodness it's almost over. This has been the sporting equivalent of having your annual holiday marred by the sight of your wife copping off with the French barman.

On the outside you are crying, but deep down you can't help but admire the interloper. Damn his silky lines, those dance steps, that poise, that charm! How does he make it look so easy?

So what to do? You can either assume the fetal position or acknowledge the raised bar and seek to improve your game.

England, as is their wont, have stuck on a bizarre combination of the two options. They've pepped up their backline and replaced their most dynamic loose forward with a gargoyle. It's like Oxfam arriving in a drought-stricken village armed with thousands of drinking vessels and no equipment with which to dig a well.

Still, credit to Martin Johnson for chancing his arm a little. But it will be interesting to see how the likes of debutant Chris Ashton, with 71 tries in 71 games, fits into England's curious structure.

Twickenham has put England's startling lack of clout down to a loss of personal form along much of the length of the backline (Delon Armitage made just 25 metres against Scotland), but the side's problems surely extend deeper than that.

Will Johnno's slap-dash MOT suffice, or is the sweet chariot in need of a total overhaul? Those purring Frenchmen should be able to tell us. Damn them.

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Let's get our heads together, people - both metaphorically and physically. Yes, we need to talk about the scrum and what can be done to restore the set-piece to its rightful position at the very centre of our game.

It's fashionable to heap criticism on the referees for the mess that once passed as art, but as anyone who has ever packed down knows, it's not that easy to pinpoint who's to blame for the subterranean shenanigans.

So here's a couple of suggestion to get the debate rolling...

How about the ref issuing a warning at, say, the third reset that he will penalise the first arm, elbow or head to hit the deck. The assistant referee (that's 'touch judge' in old money) can help with this.

Yes, it might lead to both front rows attempting to direct their opponents into the turf, but they'll be also doing their damnedest to keep themselves up - and that's something we haven't seen for far too long. Plus it might add an exciting, new dimension to proceedings.

Or how about they just play on. The referee signals the end of the scrum at the moment when the bridge buckles, allowing the defending loose forwards and locks to power over and challenge for possession.

Yes, it might seem like the end of the scrum as an area of proper contest, but the danger of playing on over the bent-double carcasses of props and hookers might cause those self same individuals to buck up their ideas and stay on their feet. In the interests of their own safety, they'd surely come up with some sort of agreement with their opponents. Honour among thieves and all that.

But the solution to problem could lie in League-style rolling substitutions that will be trialled in Engand's County Championship from May.

Under the system, each team will be able to make up to 12 interchanges per game, with players allowed to return to action having already been substituted.

The change would allow teams to revolve their props, ensuring that they are fit and firing at every scrum. Perhaps the ref could even have the option to 'send off' those he deems guilty of running low of puff and backbone.

Critics of the plan - which include Wasps and Wales coach Shaun Edwards - say the introduction of rolling replacements could lead to an even greater emphasis on size and bulk, thereby ushering in an era of giants able only to last for short bursts.

At a stroke, it would also kill off the gladiatorial drama of one prop slowly doing over his opposite man.

Tricky stuff, hey? Let's open it to the floor. Your suggestion, please...

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It has started right on schedule!

Organisers of the FIFA World Cup have begun to fret about the grass at the ten South African venues that double as rugby pitches.

SARU have already agreed to remove logos from the playing surfaces at Ellis Park, Loftus Versfeld and Free State Stadium.

But sponsors need not worry: the ads will be "digitally projected onto television pictures". Hmm. Given the on-going problems with South African floodlights, we'll believe that little bit of technical wizardry when we see it!

The progress of the Bulls will also be giving organisers a few sleepless nights: the Super 14 final is scheduled less then two weeks before the start of the World Cup.

Should Super Rugby's showpiece event take place at Loftus, what odds on it being played barefoot?

You may laugh, but there's only one ball in South Africa at the moment, and it ain't oval.

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The great Brian O'Driscoll is at the top of his game at present. He's a newly-minted centurion on a collision course with his fifth Triple Crown in seven years.

But it seems his shares are dropping in Ireland.

Once voted the nation's sexiest man, poor BOD took a bit of bashing in a St Patrick's Day poll to find Ireland's coolest Irish celebrity.

Broadcaster Terry Wogan took the spoils with more than a fifth of the vote (22%), sharing his podium with actors Pierce Brosnan (17%) and Colin Farrell (13%).

Water-skiing wag Christine Bleakley scored fourth place (6%) while actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers and singer Andrea Corr (4%) came in joint fifth.

So where's our man? Joint seventh alongside X-Factor judge Louis Walsh - a man whose definition of cool is Jedward.

But the Ireland skipper is sure to take the knock-back in his stride. As he recently said: "Kearns [Rob Kearney] is the ladies' choice now. I'm yesterday's news. Fish and chip paper. I just want to impress from a rugby point of view."

Quite right, too.

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"For me, the tackle has two purposes. First, it is to stop the player from advancing but it is also to say to him, 'There is no point in coming this way again'. You stop him and you tell him he shouldn't try a second time."
- France's blockbusting centre Mathieu Bastareaud maps out his defence strategy.

Incidentally, one wonders if the elevation of Mike Tindall over Mathew Tait for 'Le Crunch' had something to do with Bastareaud's comments in the same interview in the Sunday Times.

"Last year against England at Twickenham, I came up against Tindall, who is a world champion and, for me, a legend," said the big man. "That afternoon I spent the entire match watching him play."

Cunning stuff. A ruse that will surely open the way for future opponents of England to profess undying admiration for Iain Balshaw.

Compiled by Andy Jackson