News from the Far Side

'And there shall come a great fly-half': The Eden Park scrolls

The unexpected discovery of until-now-secret escape hatches in the bowels of Auckland's Eden Park Stadium has opened up a Pandora's box of startling revelations that are set shake the rugby world to its foundations.

Construction workers in the process of renovating Eden Park's main grandstand ahead of the 2011 World Cup have stumbled upon a set of clandestine trap doors supposedly built to enable the 1981 touring Springboks to escape from a mobbing crowd after the infamous "Flour Bomb Test."

Ever-dedicated to bringing you the latest in ground-breaking news, the NFS team of crack investigators risked life and limb, just hours before the grandstand's destruction, to enter those hatches under the dark of night to discover that beyond them lay an intricate system of catacomb-like tunnels containing ancient artefacts and scrolls.

The scrolls speak of a secret society known as the "Priory of Scrumion,"(PS) which is dedicated to "fulfilling the Webb-Ellis prophecies" and "protecting the Chosen One."

Hours of tireless investigation have unearthed that over the years, members of the PS have included such influential figures such as William Webb Ellis, Danie Craven, Naas Botha, Sean Fitzpatrick, Graham Henry, John Eales, Bill Beaumont, JPR Williams, Jean-Claude Skrela, Elvis and Princess Diana.

The secret scrolls shed light on centuries of mystery and reveal that the PS - whose sphere of influence includes presidents, referees, administrators and the guys who pilot the remote-control cars that carry kicking-tees - are behind the results of many a Test match both past and future.

In fact New Zealand's failure to win the last World Cup is no longer a mystery. It was no coincidence, as the PS conspired to fulfill the destiny of the Holy Grail of rugby, the Webb Ellis trophy.

The scrolls speak of a "Chosen one," identified by the code "DC the AB" who is a "Crusader" of "pure blood" (a direct descendant of Webb Ellis himself) and who will "bring the grail to the land of white clouds of long waiting and vanquish the infidels," identified as the "Green Antelopes of the Apocalypse".

The timing of the Chosen One's heroic feat is all-important. Two past Finals, one victory and one loss, point to the date of the next, and last, victory: 2=1+1 or 2011.

The prophesies within the scrolls explain how the Chosen One will pass through many trials, including the "embarrassment of undergarments" and a "half-year exile of Blood and Gold."

The scrolls could only be deciphered with the aid of various pictures and icons collectively known as the "De Villiers Code." The ancient writings also identify the Chosen One's greatest enemy, who is marked with the sign of the Beast - a moustache.

The "Great Enemy" will speak in an incomprehensible tongue of riddles and his legion will be led by warriors identified as "John of Smite" and the "Fields of Matted Victors."

The only presumed member of the PS who could be reached for comment was Skrela who dismissed the allegations with a coded message of his own.

"On s'en fous completment des ces conneries. Il peuvent sortir tous les vieux papiers qu'ils veulent, on va les batters encore parc que les arbitres ne savant pas indentifier une passe en avant."

(A time will come when all becomes clear. When the fruits of labour are harvested, the virtuous are rewarded, and the Cockerel sings on the defecations of the unholy), said the Frenchman.

By Theboss

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