FUN

News from the Far Side

Monday 28th July 2008

Running scared: Conrad Smith manages to steer clear of his 'secret admirer'

With code crossing becoming the norm in Rugby football these days, agents representing foreign-currency-seeking Southern Hemisphere fly-halves have responded to rumours circulating about a the existence of a type of sport where kicking fly-halves can earn even more money, without even having to use their hands!

"Our sources inform us that there's a type of footy out there where only one player has to use his hands and the rest just have to kick," said Dan Carter and Derrick Hougaard's agent, Mr. Will U. McPaymore.

"Some chap called Ronaldi is earning 1,8 million dollars a month at some place called Manchester and he doesn't even have to tackle, that sounds quite interesting.

"The Top 14 and the Guinness Premiership are becoming saturated, the budgets are too small, we've heard about something called the UEFA Champions League. That could be next destination for the best kickers in the game. "

In news from the Tri-Nations, an incomplete checklist recovered from the floor of the All Blacks change room has added an interesting twist to the debate surrounding last Saturday's Bledisloe Cup match. The list, belonging to an unidentified player - but with the initials JC scribbled at the top - shows one missing item:

"Boots - check
Shorts - check
Tracksuit - check
Line-out calls cheat-sheet - check
Overseas agent's phone number - check
Tactical-replacment-tomato-sauce sachet - .....
Gum guard - check"

In more news from the mostly-Black-with-a-touch-of-white camp, inside sources have revealed that centre Conrad Smith's replacement by Richard Kahui in the New Zealand's starting line-up was due to more than just form on the field.

In a startling revelation, it has come to light that Smith was actually forced to warm the woodwork for personal safety reasons. Smith is said to be the target of a crazed stalker who has bombarded the player with gifts ranging from flowers and perfume to a love letter saying "if I can't tackle you, no-one can."

"Yeah, Cony is actually quite scared. That bloke got pretty close last week, so we had to wait till the coast was clear before we could let him get on the field," said bench bodyguard Al Wayswachyabak.

In news from the Currie Cup, Fred Michalak is injured.

In other news from the Currie Cup, NFS's crack team of undercover operatives are at it again. Secret surveillance cameras hidden in the pot plants at the entrance of the Lions' Durban hotel this weekend have revealed how fly-half Earl Rose was taunted by a Sharks-supporting security guard from behind the locked glass doors of the hotel in the early hours of Sunday morning.

Footage taken from one camera shows the guard, wearing a plastic Shark fin on his head and a giant foam finger on his hand, doing a Little Richard-style jig while singing a mocking song, recorded on a microphone hidden in a bowl of peppermints:

"You keep knockin,' but you can't come in,
You went to Kings Park, but you couldn't win,
You think you're a rugby player, but you're too thin,
You're a Lion, but you kak when you see a Shark fin.

"Your name is Rose but you play like a daisy,
You won't win the Currie Cup, 'cause you're too lazy,
Your forwards are swak and your coach is crazy...," sang the security guard while the Rose banged on the doors.

Rose is then seen storming off in the direction of another entrance only to reappear, this time inside the hotel and armed with a bowl of fruit and wearing his scrum-cap. The tall full-back turned fly-half then lays into the security guard with a pineapple shouting, "I'll show you knocking - you blerrie beach bum."

In news from the further North, former Wales legend Scott Gibbs has hit out at the modern professional rugby player's lifestyle, saying that a lack of variety is dulling the character of the game.

"Modern players need to booze more," Gibbs told the Wet Valleys Daily Mail.

"Maybe even have a drink before the game - that should liven things up. And what's with all these curfews and yellow cards and such, what's the use of being famous it you can't party all night and have a good dust-up from time to time?"

In new from France, the IRB's decision to implement the ELVs from August 1 has not been understood - least of all by the referees.

"ELV's? Ah, on conna�t �a, ce sont les petits bonshommes qui aident le p�re No�l. �� tombe bien, parce que le saison en France est en hiver. C'est clair que c'est pour les �quipes du nord,"

(ELV's? Yes, the new laws will definitetly benefit teams with tall players. They will not get so many more short-arm penalties as the fruits of their labour can be easily harvested with longer limbs) said referees' spokesman Jean C. Debile.