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News from the Far Side

Monday 21st July 2008

Victor Matfield: Springbok three-legged-egg-in-spoon race champion

Desperate to retain the services of Brian Ashton, the RFU have reportedly offered the former England boss a new role within the organisation.

Ashton, who led the Rosies to the World Cup Final, has been offered the role of Kindergarten Coach a source deep with the bed of roses has revealed.

Ashton's responsibilities could include working at the RFU academy and taking care of the England players' children, potential future internationals, while their fathers train.

"Everyone in the RFU understands the value Brian can add to the England set-up as a whole," said insider Steve E. Oneder, who denied allegations that the RFU were blind to Ashton's talent.

"We know how important our youngsters are, they are the world, they are our future, they are the ones who make a better day - so let's start giving."

Meanwhile, current Springbok coach Peter de Villiers has told reporters that he is a "very bad loser."

The rugby press in Perth incorrectly assumed that the world champs' boss was referring to their 16-9 loss to the Wallabies at Subiaco Oval.

NFS's crack team of undercover operatives have learnt that De Villiers was actually referring to an incident that took place during midweek training/birthday partying.

It has been revealed that PDV's ire really stems from losing a three-legged-egg-in-spoon race to locks Bakkies Botha and Victor Matfield at Nelson Mandela's birthday party.

De Villiers' competitive spirit was evident when he paired himself with 6ft8" lock Andries Bekker. The coach is said to have been extremely dehydrated after the exhausting effort of trying to keep up with Bekker's monster strides, hence all the colourful drinks in the coaches' box during the Wallaby Test.

Another coach in the news is recently-appointed Leicester Tigers Head Honcho, Heyneke Meyer. The former Bulls coach's first order of business has been to make sure he has all the comforts of home with him in England, starting with Bulls fly-half Derrick "Liefling" Hougaard.

Hougaard, the darling of the Loftus Versfeld faithful, has become accustomed to hearing Afrikaans folk singer Gé Korsten's classic ballad "Liefling" ring out through the stadium when scoring. To make sure he feels at home, Meyer has started training the Tigers choir/forward pack the chorus.

"Liefling, ek kan nie sonder jou verder lewe" (Darling, give it to me one more time) can now heard at the start of all Tigers training sessions, which end with a traditional Pretoria-style braai complete with boerewors, sokkie musik and beers served by dim blondes.

"Oh, it's much better than with that Loffreda chap. Especially the dim blondes" said Tigers reserve team player Martin Corry's cousin.

"Loffreda was always banging on about how Hernandez was gonna come over from Paris and save the day and trying to get everyone to learn how to dance the Tango. Now we can eat as much red meat as we like and the wings have been sent on holiday since we don't need 'em anymore."

In more news from England, Mike Tindall has reportedly pleaded 'mitigating circumstances' for his drink-driving arrest, saying he was only drunk because his liver, lacerated liver in a freak accident against Wales, couldn't handle the alcohol he had consumed.

Reports emanating from New Zealand now indicate that All Blacks number eight Jerome Kaino has taken a page from Tindall police-dodging handbook in an attempt to get around his own drink-driving charges.

According to the Alcoholics Anonymous Weekly Gazette Kaino is also pleading mitigating circumstances since he bashed his head while playing on the day of his accident so it didn't matter if he had anything to drink, because his brain wasn't working anyway.

In news from France, Clermont captain Aurélien Rougerie has reacted with scepticism to the flood of foreign players flowing into the Top 14.

"A l'école les profs d'anglais sont nul et quand on va aux Bahamas en vacance on ne comprends rien. Au moins ils vont nous à mieux commander nous besoins quand on sort,"

(They're arriving from all over the show, where're they going to come from next, the Bahamas? The fruits of our labour will become soft and mooshy if exposed to too much foreign influence), the blonde winger told French daily Rentrez Chez Vous.

By Theboss