FUN

News from the far side

Monday 21st April 2008

Carter: Here comes the sun

News just in: Dan Carter has signed a lucrative deal to play his rugby in Europe from next year.

The race to sign the world's best fly-half has been a closely contested battle.

French giants Toulouse are believed to have offered the All Blacks star a million euros, an apartment in the centre of the city and free air transport in their private Airbus.

Toulon reportedly offered New Zealand's pin-up boy €700,000, a flat overlooking the harbour, a percentage of merchandise sales (including Dan Carter coffee mugs and boxer shorts) and a Porsche.

Cardiff Blues are said to have put a very appealing offer on the table including a hillside manor house, designer raincoats and umbrellas, a Vespa and free Welsh singing lessons.

Stade Fran�ais even chipped in with an offer of €500,000, free metro tickets and all the pink clothing his cupboards can carry (for some strange reason they've struggled to sell the merchandise in their shops).

But Spanish champions Cetransa El Salvador were the eventual winners and are expected to announce Carter's signing this week. The club are based in Valladolid in central Spain and play in black and white.

"We understand the needs of se�or Carter better," said a club spokesman Enrique Estasloco.

"We say him he can eat all the olives he want. He like.

"We show him our uniform - same colours like All Blacks. He like.

"We taste him local sangria. He like. We show him pictures of sunshine, no rainy rainy like Wales. He like.

"We show him pictures of the se�oritas from Valladolid. He sign!

"He say us since World Cup he like Mick Jagger, no getting satisfaction in New Zealand. We say se�oritas in Spain make very nice time."

Meanwhile, as representatives of Welsh clubs scour the southern hemisphere armed with cheque books in search of players, some South African rugby unions have banded together in a 'counter offensive'.

Sources reveal that agents have infiltrated the ranks at various Welsh clubs.

Unable to match the kind of money European clubs can pay players, the agents are said to be taking a more 'incentives based approach' offering players contracts with clauses like "free pie and coke after games" and "unlimited suntan lotion".

In England, some of the names in Martin Johnson's new coaching setup have been revealed. Austin Healey will be the backs coach.

Mike Catt will be the 'nationality management' consultant and will be in charge of arranging paperwork for foreign players. Lawrence Dallaglio will be 'newspaper communication consultant' and 'self defence' coach.

Jason Leonard will be "guys-at-the-front coach" and Jason Robinson will be "guys-at-the-back coach" but their roles are said to be limited to arranging the seating order on the team bus.

"It doesn't matter if they have any experience or any fixed roles, as long as they've won the World Cup they can tell the other guys now to do it," a RFU spokesman told the West Wimbledon Daily Mail.

In news from Italy, loose forward Mauro Bergamasco has had his 13-week suspension increased to 17 weeks following his unsuccessful appeal against the original suspension.

Bergamasco employed a team of lawyers to contest the punishment but the Six Nations appeals commission decided to extend the suspension after ruling that the 28-year-old "deliberately put a finger" in the eye of Wales star Lee Byrne during the Azzurri's defeat in Cardiff two months ago.

Ronaldo Machdonaldo, a close friend close of Bergamasco, revealed the player's frustration at the decision.

"Mettete sul fuoco e mescolate in continuazione per sciogliere il gorgonzola, fate cuocere per 4 minuti. Tritate il prezzemolo e unitelo alla crema con il pepe, amalgamate bene. Scolate la pasta al dente e versarla nella padella con la crema," he said.

(This is a travesty of justice. Mauro was just trying to point out that Lee has some grass in his eye. This is symbolic of rugby administrators' inexorably fluctuating autocratic and diaphanous suppression of virtuosity.)