News

News from the Far Side

Monday 07th July 2008

Cold meats fiend: Butch James mistakes Conrad Smith for Dan Carter

A landmark decision taken at the French National Referees Congress held in Toulouse on Friday is set to see the end of simulation at scrum time, much to the consternation of the FFRAG (French Front Row Actors Guild).

Simulated scrums have become a talking point with many observers believing that some coaches are abusing the rules as soon as their scrum was under pressure. The referees have declared that the coaches are less of a problem than the soft front-rowers who 'simulate' injuries to force uncontested scrums.

"Zis is no longeur posibleh, zer acting is teribleh," said refs' representitive René Ruquenmaul.

FFRAG spokesman Jean-Paul Plusdedrame said the art of scrummaging had evolved and props and hookers around the world should be free to express themselves.

"Ze taktiz iz vary vary improtant zees days. Many ov our mombrehs luuv ze teatre and wount regonizion," he said.

In news from the Tri-Nations, NFS's crack team of undercover operatives have revealed some interesting images from the match officials' changing rooms during the All Blacks' 19-8 win over South Africa.

Footage from a secret hidden camera, placed in the key hole of a locker door, shows referee Stuart Dickinson come charging into the room at half time and frantically start rifling through the contents of his kit bag.

Assistant referee James Leckie is seen entering the room and enquiring after Dickinson's stressed behaviour.

"What's the matter Stuey?" Leckie is heard asking, thanks to a microphone concealed behind a poster of professional wrestling refereeing icon Handsome Harvey Wippleman.

"Ah, mate, no worries, I just forgot something in me bag that I might have needed a bit earlier - but I've found it now," Dickinson replies.

When Leckie leaves the room Dickinson is seen removing a wallet-like looking object from his bag and placing in his pocket before returning to the field. NFS investigators have not yet been able to ascertain what the object was, but a red-hot revelation is on the cards.

In more news from the whistle-blowing sphere, Kiwi ref Paul Honiss has come in for wide praise for his linguistic skills during Australia's 40-10 pounding of a French tourists' XV.

The clerk from the video store near Honiss's home has heard how he had hired all four Pink Panther films in an attempt to perfect his French accent so that les Bleus' players would understand him. A source close to the Honiss household has given an insight into the Kiwi's revolutionary techniques, outlined in an upcoming book entitled "Uncle Paul's tips to refereeing foreigners.

Chapter one starts with checklist to follow for any prospective cross-culture refs:

Step 1: Explain decision.
Step 2: If player does not understand, explain decision with foreign accent.
Step 3: If players still does not understand, repeat explanation in foreign accent - in a loud voice.
Step 4: Award penalty to other team.
Step 5: When fight breaks out, make sure teams have equal numbers, as in line-outs, to ensure fairness.

One interested spectator at Suncorp Stadium was Toulon's latest signing, Matt 'Show Me Your Jaw' Henjak who said that the game confirmed that France was the place for him.

"I think my skills were under-appreciated in Australia. The French lads can throw a good punch, I should be right at home," a spectator who stood next to a guy in the men's room, who sat near Henjak, said the former Force scrum-half was heard saying.

In other reaction to the unsavoury punch-up in the France - Australia game, French lock Imanol 'the Biarritz Bomber' Harinordoquy was remorseful following the unpleasant incident that left James Horwill with a bloody eye.

"Je lui a donné deux ou trois bons coupes avec ma droit et après j'ai connecté un direct avec ma main gauche. Mes bras étaient fatigues alors j'ai maqué un peu de force mais il ne va pas m'oublier très vite, eh" ( In retrospect my actions were the reflection of the uncompromising nature of laws governing mauls in the post-modern era. I regret the inhospitable manner in which I conducted my review of the situation) said Harinordoquy.

In other news from the Tri-Nations, insiders in the Springboks camp have revealed some innovative 'Pavlovian' training methods being used by the world champions.

Fly-half Butch James is said to have been locked in a cage and starved for several days at a time with masked men wearing black poking him with a stick a regular intervals.

Once James had reached a sufficiently frenzied state, a cardboard cutout of Dan Carter is placed 10m from the cage, draped in salami, and James is released.

"The method has largely been a success, except that Ricky January now has to keep a piece of salami in his pocket to keep Butch onside," said conditioning trainer Frikkie Slapgat.