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News from the Far Side

Monday 12th May 2008

Warren Gatland has plans to use 'science' to win the World Cup

In a shocking revelation, the real reasons for so many players abandoning the Welsh Test squad have come to light as the true nature of the team's 'training camp' has been defrosted.

Wales coach Warren "Demolition Man" Gatland believes his players need to add more bulk if they are to compete on a level playing field with the world's best.

"The final piece in the jigsaw is for us to produce the best athletes that we can to compete with the best in the world. We think we've got to have the best physical athletes compared to other or bigger countries with more people to choose from" he explained.

Gatland has taken his side to a training base in Wexford which specialises in Cryotherapy. Cryotherapy is a treatment whereby the patient is placed in a cryogenic chamber for a short duration which aids the body's recovery from exercise.

"Cryotherapy is something that has been around in sport for some time and something I've used before at specific times as an aid to training at various camps in Poland whilst I was in charge of Ireland and London Wasps," explained Gatland.

A source within the Welsh camp however has revealed Gatland's far more sinister plans.

"He's lost his marbles. After winning the Grand Slam he thinks anything's possible. He thinks that cryopreservation is the solution to winning the World Cup," the secret source whispered into a public telephone outside the camp in the early hours on Sunday morning.

"He's luring them into a false sense of security with those chambers. But one of these days he's not going to let them out. He wants to freeze them and then inject them with all kinds of stuff so that when he defrosts them in 2011 they'll be full of jungle juice and suddenly grow huge while retaining the skills and form that won the Six Nations!

"He keeps on saying, 'I'll show them all, I'll show them all', with a weird look in his eyes. I think he's got a grudge against the kiwis or something. I've tried to convince some players to leave; Gavin [Henson], Lee [Byrne] and Marty [Williams] and Alix [Popham] pulled out but I fear for the others. Thank goodness Gav got out. The coach wanted to make clones of him.

Only Alix Popham was available for comment.

"Ouh, I don' nou 'bout any defrostin' but I sure wou prefer spendin' the summer in France than gettin' bashed by the Boks when it's winter down there," Popham told French daily Conneries de Brive.

In other Celtic news, the squad for Ireland's tour to New Zealand has been announced with interim coach Michael Bradley picking largely the same players that failed woefully at the World Cup.

Former coach Eddie O'Sullivan, who now owns a goat farm in his native Youghal, County Cork, was asked to comment but only found time to talk about his new animals.

"What do you think of this one? He's called 'Scape,' he's my favourite, the IRU gave him to me after the Six Nations. " O'Sullivan told the local press.

In news from the Super 14, Highlanders scrum-half Jimmy 'Party Time' Cowan has been arrested and charged with disorderly behaviour after his side's loss to the Blues in Dunedin.

"He crossed the road in a very reckless fashion. He looked left, then right, then left again. Which is clearly not the correct order. He should have looked right, then left, the right again. So, we charged him with disorderly behaviour," said a police spokesman.

"You know we're very busy down here in New Zealand, we've got all kinds of crimes to crack down on, " added the spokesman who said he was not aware of reports that Cowan had been seen running around exposing his 'dangly bits' and shouting 'I hate those bloody Blues.'

In more Super 14 news, Chiefs prop Ben May has been suspended for three weeks following his red card against the Lions on Saturday for 'trampling.' The SANZAR Disciplinary Committee found that the offence was reckless but not intentional.

'Big Joe' van Niekerk was ever so slightly inconvenienced when May stood on his face. A close friend of May has revealed what actually transpired.

"Van Niekerk was admiring May's new boots, when a one of the Lions pompom girls turned around and bent over to pick up something. The Lions girls aren't exactly the hottest in the competition but you can see how it was distracting. The ball then came out of the ruck and Ben, totally disorientated, stepped down and stood on Van Niekerk's honker," said the friend.

In news from the Guinness Premiership, following the weekend's decisive results Harlequins are reportedly considering changing their name. In sticking with the 'Harlequin' theme, 'Jokers' 'Chokers' and 'Nearlyquins' are reportedly the front runners.

In news from the French Top 14, Perpignan's eight-game winning streak came to a grinding halt in Montauban, despite Percy Montgomery's best efforts.

"On a marre de ce Percy, il croit qu'il est un mannequin. A la mi-temps je voulias donner des conseils aux jouers mais ils n'entendaient rien a cause du bruit de son sèche-cheveux," said coach Jacques Brunel.

(Oh, we're all very fond of Percy. He really adds to the team atmosphere and we just love his blond locks)

By Theboss